Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Mean Streets of Kowloon (Or Dad Watches Too Many Jet Li Movies)

I told my dad about my future plans to move to Hong Kong and he told me...be careful, and that he worries about me in some of those parts.

I'm thinking the only thing I have to worry about is remembering to look RIGHT first THEN left, so I don't get hit by a car, but I'll be far far away from Kim Jong-Il and his crazies nor will I be in any "Muslim" part of the world, (you know like Bangkok -- heh) which really freaks my dad out.

Ball's a-rolling

Today I sent off some vitally important documents (their copies, anyways) to two people my friend in Hong Kong knows well. I have to wonder if no matter what, I'll wind up teaching kindergarten, but teaching at a language school or something, if I can, would work well for me too, if it paid decently, anyways.

I feel really bad though cause I have told my school that I will be back for next year, though I have not signed anything yet. It's going to suck though, saying I'm going to go.

So, we'll see what happens with this.

Speaking of kindergarten, someone I know posted this link for a game where you are this disgruntled janitor, and you go postal on a bunch of kindy kids who also happen to be shooting at you. I'm not in the camp of this encourages children to be violent, but I don't know...having lived in America when it seemed there was some kind of school shooting happening every month, whether it was kids on kids violence or some wacko going into a playground during recess with a sawed off shotgun, I just don't see how any of this could be entertaining. It gave me the creeeps in the first frame when I saw the janitor cock the rifle or whatever he was holding.

Kindergarten Killer


Monday, November 29, 2004

One More Thing...

I got this site off a blog written by a woman in Hong Kong. It's kind of like a slow-moving role playing game, but it does feel good to be Queen of Something.

www.nationstates.net

I have two countries going. The first one, The Republic of Katoslovakia, is the one I'll primarily concentrate on. It has a UN Membership and everything! The one thing that scares me is its population boom. In 2 days, it went from 5 million people to 7 million people. I've voted on things like compulsory voting and defense spending. I'm now wondering and hoping maybe soon I'll get to vote on mandatory sex ed in the schools.

The second one, The Commonwealth of Jellotopia, is something I'm just going to play around with. I wonder if I can get my people to revolt.

The Butterfly Effect

Back to last night's post.

This has got to be one of the most insanely fucked up movies I have ever seen in my life. I feel a bit silly describing the movie, as I'm sure mostly everyone (with the exception of those who live in Korea) has already seen it.

This is a science fiction movie. Case in point, Ashton Kutcher plays this brilliant psychology student who has seemingly recovered from a traumatic childhood complete with blackouts where he comes out of them, not remembering what just happened to him. A psychiatrist advises him to keep journals of his thoughts to help regulate then diminish the blackouts, and later he discovers that somehow, he can use those journals to alter his past. But then he finds whatever he altered, a new, possibly more horrible life awaits for him.

Case in point, Evan tells off the father of his friends, who wanted to use Evan and his own daughter in some kiddie porn thing. Evan wakes up a high-profile frat boy, his friend Kayleigh, whom he has always loved is now his girlfriend and a sorority girl, but her brother has gone completely psychotic, and Evan accidentally kills her brother when trying to defend himself. Then he winds up in jail (Yeah, Ashton Kutcher in prison. The jokes can't stop here...) and his life is essentially ruined.

I guess everyone has these moments in life we all want to do-over like it's a football game in grade school. But I think if we focus on the what-ifs too much, we could all go crazy, wishing for a newer, but not necessarily better, outcome, and just living in the past with a sense of regret clouding over everything.

There are plenty of what-ifs in my life: what if my parents had told me about their marriage falling apart sooner, what if I had stood up to people who had picked on me, what if I had gone to another university, what if I had stayed with my first boyfriend, what if I didn't come to Korea, and during the movie, it had gotten to me at some points, that maybe I had made some mistakes, but the thing the movie was saying was that trying to change them, or at least wallowing in the past is not going to help things any, and will most likely affect the present.

What I found really interesting is that it seemed the more Evan tried to rectify the past, the more unstable time became, indicating to me that the past is something you should not mess with. Make a decision and try to stick to it, or try to change the decision you made, but accept the outcome of that.


Sunday, November 28, 2004

Preview to a Review

I went to see The Butterfly Effect tonight. I guess this movie came out in January of this year, and here it is, almost the start of December. I thought the movie was really interesting and Ashton Kutcher totally surprised me with his acting skills here. I'll go more into the movie tomorrow as the busy weekend I've had is catching up to me. I need sleep.

I also bought the new U2 album tonight. Had a listen to it, and I will talk more about it tomorrow as well.

The T-Day Post Mortem

This is a very good choice of words, now that I think about it, cause man, I feel dead.

I didn't even party very much. I had plans to leave after stuffing myself with turkey and imbibing myself (is that the right thing to say) with wine and beer. Then, it's 3:30 a.m., and I am listening to my friend give a rundown of the State of The Union about his girlfriend. I'm not saying I was bored, but you know, if you really don't know one of the parties involved, and feel you only kind of sort of know the other one, there's no way I'd feel at liberty to give anyone any kind of advice. Especially when it comes to dating and relationships.

Anyways, it was good to eat turkey, of which I now have a full plate. I have to go to the store either later today or tomorrow and get some good bread and maybe some cheese so I can have turkey sandwiches. Right now, I think I have enough for 52.

I met this really cool Korean woman, whom at first I thought was a gyopo, an American or Canadian, etc., someone from a Western country who is usually half Korean. Well, her English was perfect and she introduced herself as Michelle. It turns out she just traveled a lot in Europe and studied in Canada, and grew up near or on a military base so she had American friends from a very young age. Anyways, I hope to get in touch with her later next week, maybe to hang out.

I have been watching this really good show as of late, which is not helping me in my Quest to Return Home. It's called The Long Way Round. It has Ewan McGregor in it, which for me is reason enough to watch. Anyways, the general premise is that Ewan and...Friend have planned a trip from London to New York, going through Eastern Europe and Asia, then Canada and finally America. They will do all of this on motorcycles, as well. Really interesting. I have dreams of going on the Trans-Siberian Railway when I am finally done with Asia and crossing through to Moscow, and maybe taking a flight home there or wind up in London and fly home from there. Why do I want to do it? It just sounds interesting. That's why.

This is why I am feeling pulled in many directions...I want to do all these exciting things, like travel around Asia, and see Mongolia and go through Europe, but somehow I feel the intensity of these exciting things are diminished by the possibility that I'll have no one really to share them with, maybe. I know I'd be foolish to let that be the one reason to stop me though. I should be more concerned that money will be the one thing to stop me.

Anyways, against my better judgment I am going to go out again in about an hour to meet some friends for an early dinner and a movie perhaps. I love being social, and I love meeting people, but it sucks when you feel a bit under the weather and are tired from your socializing the night before.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

This is like Random Thought Chigae

My friend in Hong Kong emailed me last night about the job, laughing at my questions I had for her. "It's only a kindergarten," she said. To be fair, I did ask her about offices and prep time and curriculums, etc. She gave me the email of a recruiter (I think) she had worked with in the past, and I just emailed her. So I guess the ball is in motion.

Today, I'm going out to celebrate Thanksgiving in a few hours, at the house of a friend of a friend. Kind of strange, I still consider him my housemate's friend, even though apparently they haven't talked in ages, but come to think of it, I haven't talked to her in ages either and I guess I still consider her a friend as well.

I'm feeling blah, maybe because I am coming down with something, but I have to look inside myself and also wonder if there is some larger issue at hand. The friend I mentioned earlier, well, I agreed to go to a movie with her tomorrow, even though I am not crazy about spending time in her company so much.

I feel kind of sold out, as well, as she is doing Thanksgiving with some other people in our building and while yes, I planned on going to her friend's place a while ago, even an invite from her would have been good.

I sill feel bad about chewing out my ex boyfriend, even though this is a guy who thought at one point buying a chocolate bar for me was too much to ask and the same guy who broke up with me on line. I keep thinking of calling him and saying I'm sorry for chewing you out, even though I believe there is no way in hell I want to get close to you again.

And I am now avoiding the guy whom I gave my phone number to. Well, I'm justifying my behavior as I barely know the guy and have to go out with anyone (or even talk to anyone) whom I don't like.

I went out with a girl last night, who also works in my town, and we had fun. She's really chatty and pleasant. She's had an interesting life where she's traveled all over the world, and even as a child, her dad was working as an engineer and so she lived in South America for awhile, and lived in Australia for a year and Mexico I think, and God knows where else. I'd like to hang out with her again sometime soon, as she seems like a really positive person, and just fun to be with. I guess I'm just looking at my relationships and my friendships and am in assessment mode. I feel (and again, thi could be because I am coming down with something) just drained emotionally, like I want to have The Big Cry, but haven't been able to yet.

Anyways, I guess the key now is to just meet as many people as I can and have fun with them, take care of myself, and just live my life.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Should I stay or should I go?

Maybe I'll go, but it's nice to know I have the option of staying here at the middle school in Hanam. Sure as hell beats the crash-and-burn feeling I got last year when the university I was working at fired me for reasons amounting to lack of customer satisfaction. I'm not a game show host, for Pete's sake! (And I'm not bitter, either, apparently. Really!)

My lovely friend Candace hasn't emailed me back any response about Hong Kong, though I think I only emailed her yesterday or late the day before that. I really would like to make the change, so I hope things will cooperate with me.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Waah waah waah...shut up for chrissakes.

OK, so men and women dump each other all the time for a host of reasons in romantic relationships. But in friendships, I wonder, do the same rules apply? I'm attracted to *people* apparently who like to take from me and then slap me away when they no longer need me. I'm no angel, though I do try to play by the rules, and Lord knows I have blown up and said some not so nice things when I have been angry, (and when I am angry, look out, for real. I just lose it) but I try to keep a happy outlook on life. I try to not judge people I consider my friends harshly.

Apparently one of my friends is mad at another because her friend was treating her boyfriend badly when we were all out. Two of us told the other girl, "Why don't you just end it? You're obviously not happy." The other one decides to make it her cross to bear and goes home in a huff in the middle of her birthday party, because the flirting friend "ruined" it for her. Am I wrong here, in that whether it made her uncomfy or not, it wasn't her business to make a judgment like that?

And so I was telling her it's water under the bridge (as Flirty Friend did end up breaking up with him the next night) and she shouldn't have gotten so involved, and she frickin calls me cold. I'm cold. Well, no I'm trying to not be a drama queen while over here, because some days, shopping can be a real trial here, and I really try to not invite so much drama into my life.

I'm tired of complainers here. I need to surround myself with positive people and things. In that respect my life will be good. I think that is the big difference between life back home and life here. You feel like you can choose your friends more easily there. And here, maybe you hang with your coworkers only because they speak English to you, never mind that they are soul sucking sunshine stealing never happy rain cloud loving wankers.

Is Hong Kong going to be any better, I wonder? Is it that hypocritical to complain about complainers? Well, no one is listening to me here just yet, so I guess I can.

EEEEEEEEK!!

My middle school girls continue to amaze me. Yesterday, in one of my classes, a mouse family met an unfortunate, untimely, and very sticky death at the hands of some glue traps. Some of my students found the traps and that was it. Total pandemoium, utter chaos. The mice were already dead. Yes, it's rather gross but my girls were acting...like...well...girls. Way girly. Rather embarrassing, and so damn loud.

And I am now sitting here praying my phone won't ring and that if it does, it won't be that guy. Yeck.

My social life seems to have picked up some. I've managed to have something to do on the weekends for the past couple of months, which at first started to get my mind off my loser boyfriend dumping me on-line, but I guess things kind of carried over. I'm happy when I am out meeting people and making friends and meeting their friends, just doing stuff.

I know what I said about my students, but it'll be really hard to leave tem when the time comes. I've never had a job that worked out so well for me, and even though they shriek at the silliest things (dead mice, the sound of the bell signaling the beginning of final exams) they've been really something to teach, and I know I won't be getting any of this if I move to Hong Kong to teach 5 year old kids.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Tick tick tick....

So, it's coming up to the end of another year in Korea. I wonder what the hell I am doing to myself. I'm torn between staying here in a job I really like, moving on to another country, or just throwing in the towel and moving back home. Right now, my mood is telling me to travel around some more, then go home. I guess at the heart of it, I feel I've spent a lot of time on the outside looking in. I haven't been as true to myself as I would like. When I was home-home, I was someone who rarely went out to a bar, and if I did, I went out with friends for like a drink or two.

Here, in Korea, it's really easy to drink everything away and then I think it's just hard to meet anyone worthwhile in a bar as well. I used to be someone who would date anyone who asked, but now as I see it, there is a guy who has my phone number, who used my phone number to call me about this weekend, but he is like 36 years old and had to be helped into a cab by my friend who ran into him because he was too drunk to stand and hail one himself. Isn't 36 just a little too old to be acting like that?

I hate acting like a priss, but one thing I have noticed is that when a red flag pops up about a guy, I shove it under the bed, and take no notice. I probably will be single for a long time because of that now, but it might be better for me in the long run. I need to find friends, and enjoy myself and my own company right now. Since I'm not one to have a one night stand either, this blog will probably gather dust bunnies before I post any lurid details of any action I happen to get. But we'll see about the lack of posting -- I do have some ideas up my sleeve (no, not on how I'm going to get laid) about my future.