Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Cleaning out the cupboards...

This has been on my mind for awhile, so forgive me if this entry reminds you of a dumped out junk drawer.

Sometimes I feel when it comes to relationships, I am the one who throws gasoline over that proverbial bridge and sets it ablaze.

Being someone who likes to have everyone get along with one another, and get along especially with me, I find this behavior to be a bit unsettling, but maybe it is for the best that when a relationship ends, or if I ever end a relationship, the ties that once bound us together in some small way are forever severed.

Some people say that it's easier to be friends with those you had a brief relationship with. Some people say that you can only be true friends after a relationship has failed if you never consummated that relationship. For me, I've had 4 boyfriends I've dated for no less than three months (I guess that constitutes a relationship), and for me, the only ex I keep in any contact with is the one whom I first slept with and the one whom I had a relationship going for almost 3 years, the one whom I thought at the time I would share my life with, even though I had only lived 25 years of it at that point.

And even then, we had a cooling-off point of a couple months before we started talking to each other, and even then again we got into some stupid tiff over politics where we stopped talking to each other for a few months, before speaking to each other again.

As much as I like to try to get along with everyone I meet, and try to maintain friendships with everyone I've let into my life, I guess it's too hard to have those dreams end abruptly, even if it's something small as sharing a cup of coffee with someone every Sunday afternoon, and to switch from talking about your life and his life and your shared life, to your life and his life, and then the lives you share, but now shared with someone else, it's way too much to handle.

I want to be someone who isn't selfish, and can wish my exes well, and for the most part I do. The ones whom I haven't talked to in ages, anyways. There is only one guy whom I dated in my life whom I think of as a "What the HELL was I thinking, keeping him around for that long?" kind of guy. But I think that's also something, you need time to grieve and breathe alone. It can be waaay too messy to put on a brave face to meet your ex now wanna-be best friend, meet him for coffee, smile as he talks about all the girls who now want him, only to go home crying and kicking yourself for trying to be the nice person. (I'm not talking about this always being the case, but it for me would feel weird to have someone else flip the switch on me, and then I am expected to act another completely different way, when maybe...my heart just doesn't wanna.)

It's always different when you're on the receiving end of a break-up, isn't it?

I hope one day I will get it right, that I will have a beautiful relationship with someone, and then one day, maybe I'll have the strength to see that it is no longer working, and then I will have even more strength to tell him to his face in a gentle way that things aren't working. That we'll hug our last goodbye, and part separately for the first time in X amount of months (maybe years) and it will be this really bittersweet thing, knowing that I have done the right thing for myself, and holding in my heart the memories that we shared, but knowing that things will be different between us, and it'd probably be a good idea to finish writing the chapter and close the book.