Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Thursday, December 02, 2004


For some reason, watching this show regularly moves me to tears, as it seems every week, there's some demonstration of how total strangers who were thrown together in total adversity, come together to care for each other. I don't need to find anyone I can care for. It's been well-established that I will always find that -- friends, or going overboard on the Love of My Life for the Moment, but will there ever be a time when I feel securely cared for? I suppose what I mean is some kind of random act of kindness or knowing that someone out there totally cares for me, and isn't taking me for granted.

Seeing all these extraordinary circumstances on TV, I get to wondering why my life feels so ordinary at times (probably because someone is not scripting it out for me), and I wonder at times if I should try to believe in something bigger than me, in order to see the beauty of life, the small miracles that may or may not occur on a daily basis.

But I don't want to wind up some Jesus-freak.

I don't mean to sound anything like suicidal, but I'm just wanting to seek out something bigger, have a meaningful life. I don't think that quite means that I want to have a life where I end up stranded on an island with strangers, but I want some kind of big challenge in my life, I want to step up to the plate and mean something to someone else, and mean something to myself.

Another thing, I have taken the friggin Myers-Briggs personality test a bajillion times, and every time I take it, I get the score for ENFP. Some days I feel I truly am, and I'm happy to be part of some eccentric, goofy, but well-meaning group. But then I feel now, like I am too conventional in my ways to be exactly like that type. Whenever I test, my scores for feeling goes way off the map. It's almost like if someone were to touch me, it'd create this massive ripple effect, like I am that sensitive. How can I go through life like that, being that sensitive? Again, no, not a suicide watch thing, just that I know I feel so much more strongly than others, and I guess I must do a good job hiding it.