Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Now Having Said That...

The strangest thing happened to me today.

I was slapped upside the head and told twice that I am not old.

I wasn't meaning old as in "grandma-old," but I certainly don't feel really young. I am the girl whose kindy teacher once told her parents that I was "the only 30 year old in her class." I've always had a kind of serious nature about me, something kind of spiritual, as well. I remember reading about odes or elegies when I was seven or eight, and I composed one for a jade plant that had accidentally died, and sang it to the plant before my mom threw it away. I remember making up these horrid (as I look back on them now) stories about being an orphan or being abused as a kid, I made up a story to music where the main character found out her husband had died in a car crash and what was she going to do then.

This is what I deemed to be entertaining as a kid? Let's go back to that Dramarama post I made just before...

Anyways, I don't remember being silly, but I do remember always wanting to be taken seriously, even if my works of art were melodramatic crap as stated above. (Maybe I was destined to live in Korea for a bit, where the most perfect love story involves one of the lovers dying before her time, thereby killing the romance in the middle of its bloom.)

Maybe I am not feeling old, but maybe I want a do-over on my childhood, please.

All this because someone on this message board asked how old we all were, and I just said I was 28 and looked nowhere near it, which is really true, and something I am slowly starting to embrace as I get closer to 30. Someone thought I meant 28 is OOOOOLLLLLLD, when all I really meant to say was people look at me and still think I'm in my early 20s, which is kind of cool.

When I was younger, I thought that at some point in my life, I would know what the hell I was all about. I'm still waiting for that moment. I think lots of people are waiting for that moment. I love to look into the near future, when I have some kind of nebulous plan in place, but I can't look too far into the future, because then, I see nothing really. I have no idea what kind of person I will be in my mid 30s, my 40s, my 50s, and so on, but I hope I will be a better, more secure person than I am now.

I wonder if I will be living in America at that time.