Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Monday, January 10, 2005

Maybe Cans of Worms Should Come in Six-Packs

Against my better judgment, I just officially booked a flight to Singapore today. I'll be spending five days there (actually 4. I can't seem to count the day I get in as a day in Singapore, and the last day I am there the plane leaves at 11:45 p.m.) I can't wait. It should be a great time there, though yes expensive, and then shortly after that, I am going to move to Hong Kong.

When I was younger, I went to see the Hearst Castle and the Winchester Mystery House in one day, a day I then dubbed "Crazy People With Money Day." I think I'll call the time containing my trips to Singapore and Hong Kong on a limited budget "Crazy Wanna-be Jet-Setter Phase." I might as well have a stopover in Tokyo.

So, while I'm sure it'll be great and a lot of fun, let's see how it goes financially after that. I hope to remember my camera so I can post some pictures here. I am certainly looking forward to the warmer weather!

Also, in another potential can of worms, when I was in a low phase a few days ago, questioning who I was and how did I ever get to feel so screwed up, I wrote an email to my aunt asking her for information about my mother, wanting to know more about her life. Now, it's nothing like I was an orphan and I never knew my biological mom. I could (and probably will later) write a long post about my mom, and her battle with multiple sclerosis and how it really affected me growing up, but in short for now, I'll only say that the one thing I regret most is that I never got to know her as a person, which is how most adult children come to view their parents, with their faults and imperfections laid out. Maybe they get to grind an axe or two about how they were raised to the people who raised them and come to understand them more as a human than as an authority figure. Maybe I watch too much TV.

This was my second attempt to write her. The first one, she either ignored or it never went through. I now have an 18k email from her sitting in my Inbox that I am a bit afraid to open. I have no idea if she will tell me about my mom when she was my age or in high school, which is what I want, because I really need to feel some kind of connection to her, to see some kind of similarities between us, besides the physical (mom looked like Wonder Woman, too) or if it'll be another tirade about how I never appreciated her when I was younger and how selfish I was growing up, which is what I got before a couple years ago when I complained to her about life in Korea.

I'm at work now so I'm going to wait until I am at home to read her email, in case I need the time to be alone. I really hope she can shed some light on her. I am not expecting my dad to be able to talk about her, although maybe I will, if this letter is going to make me want to interrogate everyone who knew her.

So if you're reading this, cross your fingers for me, and pray or wish for me that I haven't opened a Pandora's box full of worms.