Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Thursday, January 06, 2005

A Moment of Regression

I hate how it's so easy for past hurts, brought on by your family (who aren't perfect people, like anyone else) years ago can manifest itself in a present day situation.

I was in a room with a friend of mine and one of her friends, and they were talking about gender issues, and while I am interested in that subject, most of the time I was taking in their conversation, and sometimes felt like it was a spectator sport. I wasn't upset by that, as I don't want to chatter on about something I may not know so much about. What really got to me was that when I did make a contribution, the other person jumped right in and bulldozed through what I was trying to say. She interrupted me, and I couldn't finish my thought. And I tried to cut through and couldn't. I admit I did the obnoxious I'm going to speak louder so I can get my words in edgewise thing. But I don't think she meant anything by it. She may have been just caught up in the conversation. But it just reminded me too much of things that happened to me in my past. So I just got up and left. And then went upstairs and lost it.

This one thing made me so angry I wanted to scream. I held myself back, but I didn't hold back from yelling. I was reminded of how when I was in college, not too long ago. My dad had picked up my then boyfriend and I from the bus station, and we were talking about something, and I distinctly remember I started talking to Jack about something, and then my dad decided it wasn't important enough to hear, so he turned the radio up on me to drown me out, to indicate that he didn't care what I had to say. It didn't matter that I wasn't talking to him. I just felt so hurt and disbelieving that he, my father, could act so insensitive like that to me, his daughter.

I wound up yelling at my dad, 3,000 miles away, for a bit.

I think that's one reason why I like this blog, and maybe why I had harbored dreams once of becoming a journalist, a columnist. I want to have a medium where for the good or the bad, people have to pay attention to what I have to say. Even if they don't like what I have to say, they can't completely escape it.

I had a Psychology professor once say in our class that "Unconditional love is giving someone your undivided attention." I like this thought. It's true that everyone wants to feel important in someone's life. It's just rare that one can feel that they are always an important part of someone's life, that their opinions always matter.