Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The Last Few Days Before Goodbye

This is shaping up to be a crap day. I am trying to get a taxi to take me to the post office so I can send off the last of the packages. No one understands me. I keep getting hung up on. I don't have anyone to help me out here. I asked a friend of mine to help me out, and she referred me to her friend with a car. But I feel stupid asking for their help cause we rarely talk and it just feels awkward for me to ask for something of theirs when we've never really hung out and did anything together as friends. You know, like it's OK to ask a stranger for a quarter to call someone, but you're not going to ask them for $20. I just can't ask them for help, even though I desperately need it. I'd feel like I was using them, and I can't bring myself to do that.

And so I've been calling this taxi service and I guess they know where I am and where I want to go and I guess they have my phone number. But who knows.

I'm also feeling upset cause for some reason or another, I invited 6 people or so for like a going-away thing and so far I have heard "I'm going to be in Thailand" "I have another party to go to," and "I have made other plans to go away for the weekend." The first one is excusable, of course, and hey plans are plans I suppose, but it's almost as if they don't understand what leaving Korea means, like I will be back. One even said "Hey, if you're going to be in Kangnam," like I should consider relocating the party. It looks as though I'll be saying goodbye to just one person that night.

And on Friday, I have to give up my cat.

I feel so alone right now. Is it anything I did? Is it the nature of what I am doing, the constant revolving door of the expat life? Maybe I don't open myself up as much as I should have. I hate this cause again, I feel I am leaving with nothing. I hate nothing.

When I go back home, I want to find a place and just stay there for a long time, and develop lasting relationships. People who enjoy my company, people whose company I enjoy, and people who I feel I'm not burdening down with anything.