Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Or Maybe Not...

Thought a trip to the store and getting some trashy mags (Cosmopolitan and Star -- blush) would make me feel better but I am having a shit of a time trying to sit still and concentrate. Not sure what's making me restless. OK, I have an inkling, but it'll have to wait for the weekend.

Closer to the Finish Line

Am having one of those Thank God It's Almost Friday moments. Feel a bit mentally and psychically stretched. It's not just work, it's being reminded of my past mistakes and stupidities. I really need some alone time, so it's good I'll have that for the next couple of hours at least.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Autobiographical Blogging

It's really amazing what you will find in the blogosphere. While lots of people write about their daily lives in the to-do list recap kind of way, there have been other blogs I have seen which deal with a certain subject, and they use their blog as a form of catharsis.
One of the most often stressed tips for writers is to always write about what you know. And lots of people do in that to-do list recap kind of way. But others have taken the time to write stories where it is so sad it is true. One writes about her search for her biological father fueled by stories from her tall-tale telling mother. Another writes about how she grew up a survivor of childhood abuse and neglect, and still another is writing about how she endured hell on earth at a camp which promised her parents she'd emerge from there a more productive member of society.

I think we all have a story to tell, and some just don't choose to tell it for whatever reason. It might be too personal, it might feel like no one else would understand. After reading another autobiographical blog (this one a memorial to a friend who died from AIDS), I began to think of my own life, and the ups and downs I have had, and the need to just tell my story, if only to the echoes of cyberspace. I have a feeling one day this story will come out -- yes, in blog form, of course -- and when it does, I won't herald it, as maybe for now I want these two parts of my life separate from each other.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

I Don't Want To Go To Bed

No one I know really knows the full story here, so I might as well put it on my blog that Friday I was told by my work that my probation period has been extended for another two months, mainly because in the past two months I have been unable to get my act together at the kindy and work things out.

My supervisor says it really is nothing to worry about, but I do worry. I hate the idea that this job and I are not clicking. That I am unable to work with my coteacher and fee that I am working sometimes against her. She told me she would work with me and try to help me get caught up with everything, and to try not to make things (art projects) too perfect. I am putting myself under a lot of stress with this job, and trying not to take the job so seriously, but I'm almost of the mind if I can't do it well, I just can't do it at all. I'm dreading work tomorrow cause once again I know I'll wind up feeling like I have been stranded out in the ocean, desperate for a life preserver to be thrown my way.

I must complete these workbooks in a certain amount of time and do art projects. At least now I have been told I don't have to do them every day, maybe just now 2 or 3 times a week to get them all caught up on their books, but I worry that it's all going to be like Sisyphus rolling that rock up the hill, only for it to tumble back down again.

This week's theme is our environmental one, and I honestly, at 1125 p.m., have no real idea what we will be doing tomorrow for art. Maybe a book the kids can illustrate and take home on how to be a good friend to the earth or whatever. I really wish I didn't have to think of that. Like I was joking with my friend earlier today, since we can't find the horoscope section in the paper we were looking at, it must be a sign to stay home this entire week.

Oh well...next weekend is a three day one and I may be able to visit the Outlying Islands after all.

A Slow Burn Won't Go Up In Flames, Will It?

Is it better for things to start quickly and (as it has been for me) end just as abruptly, sometimes leaving you feeling like the rug's been pulled out from underneath you, or is it better for things to start off slowly -- so slowly you wonder if it's wrong not to feel the rush of emotions that are pretty commonplace for those kind of relationships that do tend to crash and burn?

I genuinely like what I have come to know of him, but I think part of the reason why I have this question is that I am not sure about how much he will let me come to know. He pretty much said as much to me this afternoon, that he's not big about talking about himself and he likes to keep the cards close to his chest as it were, and that's just how he is.

He has said he wants to take things slowly, which I am happy to do, as I think too often I have leapt without looking and then later wondered why the bottom fell out so quickly, and then I am left feeling "Damn, I wish he didn't know that about me." But without a certain level of sharing, where you get to know someone with their history and likes and dislikes, their warts and all, there's not much sense of intimacy.

And then maybe I'm just being too damn impatient, as I only went out with him for the first time last weekend, and have seen him twice since then. So you could also say even though we are on the slow track, we are certainly seeing quite a bit of each other.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

The Power of Three

It was in Armistaud Maupin's book Tales of the City (a book I absolutely loved when I was in university and one of my dreams was to live in San Francisco) that one of the characters told the main one that you could have a great social/love life, a great job, or a great apartment. You could have two of the three things (maybe) but you would never be able to have all three at one time. The minute your love life goes up a notch, so will your rent more than a few, apparently. Maybe the minute you find someone wonderful, you lose your job.

Ever since reading that book, I can't help but measure my life by a sort of three continuums. I can help but muse, well, if I have a so-so job and a great place to live, does that mean my social life can only be about slightly better than average? I'm almost bracing myself cause I'm starting to feel a bit better about my job so I wonder which will be slipping first, the home sitch or the social life.

OK, so it's just meaningless babble, and I'm not really anticipating something to go belly-up, but I find it funny that today, the class I had problems with last week were really very good. So would that mean that I had a perfect day today? No. It means that my first two classes were extra chatty, and even better, in the second class I had one boy in there who was really really bad. Like want to throw out the window bad! Oh well. It's over and done with for another 2 weeks.

Definitely NOT Whistling Dixie!

Not that there's anything wrong with anyone who does. I just find it amusing this quiz, while saying mainly my dialect is "general" American, the next highest ranking was, ehm, Yankee.


Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English
35% Yankee
5% Dixie
5% Upper Midwestern
0% Midwestern

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Body Combat...The Sport of the Future

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"What do we love?"
"Pain!"

I went into California Fitness yesterday and finally signed myself up for a gym membership and a short stint with a personal trainer. (I still feel I've "gone all Hollywood" with that one, but maybe I'll find it's a worthwhile investment anyways.)

So tonight, as part of my first full day as a member, I went into a Body Combat class, just to try it out.

I really went all out in that class, so much so that on top of my cough (yes, it's still there) I began to wonder at around the 20 minute mark if I was even going to complete the class. But I got through it.

I had quite a bit of fun there, in fact, which I think is a bit scary: I had a great time punching. I had fun kicking. I loved yelling at the top of my lungs. Even when I found the routine included "Kung Fu Fighting."

With the gym right outside my door, I really hope I can manage to stick with this. I definitely would like to tone myself up a bit and lose a little weight, and I'm not going to do that sitting around, of course.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

On Hugging

When I was in high school, I was part of a very touchy feely group of friends. We hugged each other often, lay about each other, sometimes played with each others hair. We didn't think anything of any hidden subtexts or anything. We just enjoyed being around each other and most of us liked to express affection through touch.

And then I'm not so sure what happened, but it seems that the people I hung out with during and after college seemed to be of the "I'm too cool (or too tough) to be hugged" sort, and so it just kind of stopped. They just gave off the vibe that they were not into hugs hello or goodbye. At all. Or that a hug meant more to them than it really did. Which is too bad really.

I had even begun thinking that it had been a long time since I had been the recipient of a hug, and just thought about how nice they were. I'd like to think that everyone needs some kind of constant touch in their lives, something that reassures them that the world doesn't think they are a leper case.

I guess I don't hug people as much as I do cause I am afraid a bit of the idea that when I do, the person receiving it will freeze up, or sometimes worse yet, do the "pat-pat" which is the kind of hug you give when you're being hugged but caught in that weird situation with a friend where maybe the hug's a bit weird, (maybe you don't really know the person well, maybe you're just caught off guard, in the worst case, maybe you really don't like the person) but you know the person (or his or her friends) well enough to not want to be totally rude either.

So it was a really nice surprise when after saying goodbye to my friend's friends, one whom I met only once before, gave me a hug goodbye when I offered my hand to shake goodbye. (New England Puritanism at its finest, I know.)

Maybe we all need to get over the whole "this is my space, this is your space" type of thinking and just get over ourselves and hug people we know more often. It couldn't hurt.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Words To Live By

You know the people who seem to be so damn sure of what it is they are doing? I'm so not one of those people and I am really getting tired of it. While the people who come to mind have spent years at this job, and have been able to perfect their lessons over the years, I'm meaning more that I've come to realize that maybe I am becoming my own worst enemy when it comes to criticisms.

I really want to be one of those people who are not afraid to make mistakes, and be acceptable of criticisms and my failures when things do not go right. I want to be someone who will not worry about pissing someone off when I need help, or when I say "I'm sorry but I have enough to do right now."

When things seem to be flaking out, I remember what the guy I had lunch with earlier told me when I was telling him about the madhouse that is my job at times.

He said: "You've just got to remember that it's only a job, and not take it so seriously."

Brilliant.

Now, I know he wasn't advocating me encouraging them to run with scissors and to play with fire and to see what happens when you mix one household cleaner with another. There's a big difference between striving for 100 percent omniscient, extra-sensory competence and severe gross negligence, of course. But I know my life would be 1000 times easier if I could stop being so hard on myself and just make an honest effort with things, and while ideally I'd learn from my mistakes the first time I make them, the more important thing would be to let go of things completely when they fail.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Pictures to Come

I just spent a really nice holiday taking in the sights at Wan Chai, Fanling in the New Territories, Stanley and Macau. I'll have some pics up later, once I have cropped them all. (Seventy-two in all, to be precise.)

All in all, a nice vacation, which was too damn short. Back to work on Wednesday.

Yuck.

This Can't Be Serious!

I got something in my e-mailbox earlier from NARAL, an American pro-choice group, earlier in the week. The email stated that in a sex education program that George Bush okayed, one of the things it taught was that if a woman wanted to keep their partner, she should "never ever ever act too smart" and that "feelings of jealousy, disappointment, embarrassment and depression can be avoided if teens completely abstain from sex."

First off, who is George Bush (or any of his cronies) to offer teens love advice a la "The Rules"? And secondly, I thought those feelings of depression and general inferiority came from just being a teenager, and one who is not only not having sex, but not having any member of the opposite sex regard him or her in any way shape or form.

Is this really for real? What the hell is going on?

Saturday, April 02, 2005

How To Manage Your Classroom (The Sixth Graders Anyways)

In my second week of this job I have, I have found two things:

1) My oldest class is my chattiest.

2) The chatty kids are easily silenced when you threaten them that you will rearrange the seating so it's boy-girl boy-girl and then you will marry them off.

Repeat as Often as Necessary: "It's Only a TV Show"

I downloaded the last episode of Lost yesterday and watched it about 2 hours before I went to bed. That was a bad idea. I've never been so creeped out in my life.

I actually feel very apprehensive about watching the next couple of episodes because it looks like the storyline's going to go somewhere that I had hoped the show would not go.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Hmmm...

Lately, I've been thinking it'd be really good to have someone in my life right now who could be my confidante. Someone non-judgmental and someone whom I could trust with my feelings. Ideally, that is what this blog is for, but I think it'd be better to just know someone who gets me and sees the world almost as I do.