Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Friday, July 22, 2005

Bawk bawk bawk ~:>

I just earlier posted my title as "OK, I'm going to be blunt here," but I think instead I'm chickening out.

Shit, it's scary when anyone can read what you have to say, and you're worried you look like you're only making excuses for yourself.

And I don't want this to turn into a "Let me hang out my fetishes/psychoses out for all to see" kind of blog, though I'm sure for some people, having a blog where you can be completely confessional and private must be pretty good for the soul. I know too many people who read this, so I feel I can't have that same luxury.

But after the last two train-wreck relationships I have had, I knew I wanted to do some work on myself, so I couldn't keep repeating my same mistakes. Of course, what's learned in childhood is pretty hard to reprogram on your own. So I've been going for some help lately, and during our last talk, she asked me to examine the possibility that my childhood, or lack thereof, might have been responsible in making me a word that starts with "c."

No, not that one! It's a word much larger than that and if I paid anyone that much money to abuse me like that, then for sure even I would know I had serious issues with relating to people.

I guess I'm just scared about the road ahead for me, but I have to face up to what I have become and how I act and how that is not good for me.

And true to form, I'm thisclose to thinking of something else to write right after this so I can move right along.