Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Sunday, October 30, 2005

PIMD: A Look Back

It's been about a year since I first started blogging. (OK, maybe like 49 weeks) I've been thinking about my life now and how it compares to how it was when I was living in Korea. I have to say it was not a nice time for me then. I was feeling alone sometimes, and still smarting from a breakup. I was still trying to figure out my voice for the blog -- would I write only for myself or for a perceived audience? Would it be snarky and bitchy, could I hide behind what I thought was the vastness of the Internet and just bitch out about anyone and everything to my hearts content?

The answer to that, I soon found out was no. And I have to say those developments (not that I wasn't at all to blame) have influenced my postings since then, maybe for the worse, as there are some things I would like to go on about, but can not for fear of the "wrong" person reading this. This is not a private diary after all. But maybe sometimes I think the fallout influenced my future actions for the better, as I'm aware that writing something out could make a trivial matter seem like a nuclear war starting up, and some things are better off written down in a notebook and then maybe burned.

I remember my ex spitting at me via an email earlier this year saying that I need to find some guy friends so I could better understand how they act. I should have known he wasn't interested in me -- if I had the guy friends, I would have known, he said. It was a pretty weak thing to say (OK, so maybe I haven't quite learned Lesson 1 so well yet) but I have made some. And they seem all nice and normal. Really cool, and yes, I think it is natural to be tempted to want to put my toe over the line and be a bit sad they all have great girlfriends. But anyways, I really value the friendships I have made with them and I think the main lesson I have learned is not to just find some guy friends, but to just find some friends who treat me well, who are interested in me as a person and who like to have fun.

And through the therapy I went through, I'm really trying to be more accepting of other people and the way they live their lives. Don't tread on me and I will do the same. I'm trying to let things flow through their natural course, the one the Fates have set out for me, instead of (in the past) going out with every guy who asks me and then getting it on with every guy I date. (It's not as often as it sounds, lest I sound trampy.) I'm starting to think that I have valid experiences and opinions that I can share with my friends, and that includes the fact my mom died a couple years ago. (Still don't know when it'd be appropriate to drop into the conversation "Oh yeah and my dad, mom and his girlfriend and her son all lived together under the same roof" but that is for another time, I guess.)

I am and I always will be a work in progress.