Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! (Le Deuxieme etage)

I am so sick of being the girl that no one wants to kiss, the invisible girl. I don't want to pull in a bar but I really don't want to own 63 cats by the time I am 45. I know this is the wrong thing to say, but I can't even...win. I can't attract anyone to me it seems and I'm hopeless when it comes to talking to guys in a way that would say, hey, I'm interested in more than your sense of pop culture. How about we share a meal over some red wine and candlelight sometime? Or just go to a restaurant and a movie?

I met a guy who I had previously thought of as aloof, steadfastly and well, a bit cold. And then last Wednesday I got the chance to talk to him and found him funny and interesting. I ignored the comment about my hair, that it made me look like a 10 year old boy. His stock went up in spite of that comment, and I had told myself that I was going to ask him out this Sunday, if only for practice, as I didn't think he would be horrible in rejecting me (if he would at all).

Flash forward to me seeing him kiss...practically make out with...this girl he just met tonight at the club we were all at. It's so fucking high school, I know. But I don't know how to say "Hey guys check me out," and not seem tramp. I don't know how to be witty while intoxicated or sober. I'd like to think this whole embarrassment is God's way of saying "No, no, no, him? You've got to be kidding me!" but how many times does that have to happen to me before I can find someone who would at least regard me as someone with more sexuality than a pencil eraser? Part of me is screaming to find someone..anyone...so I can "feel like a woman," but then another part of me is asking could that really be accomplished doing that, and that would probably make me feel as comfy as wearing a flowery hoop skirt and corset would.

Why is it so hard in this day and age to find companionship? Or the start of something worthwhile?