Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Saturday, December 10, 2005

I Love Random

Some wit and wisdom from Mitch Hedberg for you to enjoy.

Some of my favorites:

  • I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it's saying 'Noo...' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit!
  • I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"
  • They say Diet Dr Pepper tastes just like regular Dr Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!
  • I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I stick my feet out the window? Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like 'Tide' ..."