Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Friday, February 24, 2006

I'm Having A Crap Day, So Maybe You Should Move Along...

The last couple days have been rough for me work-wise. For the first time in a very very long time, I got angry with my students and yelled at them to be quiet. I know it could have been worse, I could have said lots of bad things to them or thrown something, but I still feel bad for yelling, even though they are a really tough group to work with. (What does once a week for 20 minutes amount to in the eyes of a 4 year old? Not much. I can tell you that.) Even worse was how my coteacher handled my outburst of frustration, but pushing some of the students down to the floor. I felt sick seeing that.

I felt so worn out when I got home, like I had a good cry, but with none of the cathatic effects. And I have just been feeling blah lately. I am constantly feeling lonely. And I know, but how could I? I don't know, but I always, no matter where I go, feel I am on the outside of things, with people. I'm not outwardly hated, for sure, but I guess I just worry I am so easily forgotten at times. I want to be special and needed by someone. Lots of times I daydream about saving a friend of mine from some kind of danger, even though I know I panic in tense situations in real life.

I had a dream last night where I moved to California, and met a guy who became my boyfriend. When I first met him, he told me about his job -- as a magician/vampire slayer. Now, I ask you this. Do I take the high road and think "of course my subconscious is saying that I couldn't be with just anyone, the run of the mill teacher or banker or construction guy, he'd have to be pretty interesting"...or is my subconscious saying that the chances of meeting anyone who is a magician/vampire slayer are so super slim, as are the chances of me finding anyone worthwhile, and not only that, wanting to spend time with me?

I love the students I teach, and I hope they have a good life. I remember my own life seemed to fall apart when I was about 10, and I hope they never have to go through anything I did, hope they never have any of the self-doubts that I do, and if they do, I hope they are better than me at handling the challenges of successful social interaction.