Pulled In Many Directions

Not-so-daily rambings about my life and my thoughts

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Teen Angst at 29

I don't remember if I ever mentioned this but ages ago I wrote my dad telling him I was feeling a bit homesick and how would he feel if I visited him during my April vacation. I don't know wat I was thinking, some ticker tape parade homecoming or something like that but I was really hurt when not only did he say no because he didn't have the room, but he completely shot down my idea of finding a place to stay in Atlanta so we could see each other but be out of each other's hair too.

And then to make it worse, he decided to go off on how Atlanta was such a bad city for me to be in because it is predominantly black, blah blah blah. So it was like, no I don;t want to see my daughter even if it's been close to 3 years and while I'm at it, let me tell her not only how much of a racist I can be, but how condescending as well. (Like I wouldn;t have checked where the bad neighborhoods are. Like Atlanta being a black city couldn;t possibly have doctors and lawyers living in it, and teachers and just anyone trying to live their life without hurting anyone else.)

So I wrote him a letter saying how hurt I was by what he said to me. And then, for months, nothing. It was such a long time, I was actually beginning to think that OK, so maybe I pissed him off to the point where he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I was preparing for a life where I go it alone without much of a family to speak of. That's fine. Whatever will keep me sane.

Anyways, I got an email from him last night. A typical Dad-style 2 liner, meaning whatever I told him, he chose not to acknowledge. And so it goes with my dad. I have a problem with something he says, he buries his head in the sand. And while I know I might have been a bit heavy handed with whatever I said to him, by not bringing it up at all, I have no chance to apologize or clarify or restate anything I said.

My dad is a man who never liked me to express myself, because I am too different from how he was raised, I bet. I'm someone who can not keep a stiff upper lip for too long without cracking. But this is my family's way of doing things.

I don't even want to tell him of my plans to move home because I just have bad memories of how much I needed him when I was growing up, how much I wanted him to understand me, and yet what I got was "It's not your fault you have no common sense, lots of book smart people don't." I got him putting the fear of dying in a wreck in my heart when I wanted to learn how to drive, and have some form of independence. If he never wanted the job in the first place he should never have signed up.

If I write him again, I'll probably just tell him off again which he will ignore again and lather rinse repeat. Maybe it's just not worth it anymore. In a way, I am sad, as if the man you're supposed to be attracted to is most like your father, then maybe it's better I am single. But then again the guy is my dad and I don't think it's that wrong to want to have some sort of functional relationship with with him. It's sad I feel I can not talk to him, but maybe that is something I need to learn how to accept.